I've read the discussion about submissiveness vs. dominance. What I look for in a girl is neither submissiveness nor dominance but resistance. I want is a woman who has the strength to be resistant.
Other guys might like it if their girlfriends are obedient, submissive, pliable and passive but I don't like that. It's boring! I like a girl who bites back! A woman who's something to push against, and who can push me. I hate to see girls diminishing themselves and losing their natural resistance and personality when they get with a guy. I've seen it a lot. It's like they disappear. I like a woman with a big personality who doesn't give away her power and submit when she's with areal man. That's not an easy thing to find. Girls tend to cave in and become submissive even if they're tough and dominant in most parts of their life. I think it's the estrogen!
I want a woman who's in control. Or trying to be. Not that she'd be able to control me but she can have fun trying. I won't allow a girl to control me – I'm not that kind of guy – it's about being in control of herself. It's the attitude and strength of will I'm looking for, I'm not into being dominated.
If a girl is submissive, obedient and docile, she's probably not strong enough to withstand what I'm going to do to her. It's part of my particular brand of masculinity to be physically and mentally tough and challenging so in general I'm not attracted to girls like that. If a girl won't enjoy the rough and tumble, the physicality, the violent love and verbal jousting they'd get from me we won't have the compatibility. If she will, we might have a future.
Is it surprising the girls I'm attracted to are the more masculine looking ones who are intimidating to most guys? I see the femininity that lies beneath the surface, and that femininity is more real than the painted obvious femininity of more obviously feminine girls. When you find the femininity in a girl who doesn't let the world see it, there's a vulnerability I've not found in other kinds of women.
I don't know why women think men want obedient women. What this guy wants is not submissiveness but resistance. A worthy sparring partner in the battle of life!
I enjoyed reading this post very much. As a woman who probably falls in to the "looks more masculine" catagory, you've left me with a sliver of hope! I keep my hair short because it's easy (and suits me), my makeup either non-existent or super-dramatic (none of this smudge of lipstick and mascara crap) my clothing comfortable and funky. I love a good, heated debate and rough sex.
I think that there are many women like me who don't deal with the feminine=submissive equation that is usually drawn. Pearls of wisdom like "dress in a more feminine fashion (skirts and pastels) and wear your hair long" or "lowering your eyes and looking up through your lashes is sexy, submissive and feminine" do nothing for me. I can't help but point out that as "feminine" is the adjective of "female", then as a female I am intrinsically feminine. And I don't bat my eyelashes or giggle like a pothead. In fact, I loathe the women I meet that I consider "girly-girls". They bore me. I lift heavy things. I can walk home by myself after dark. But having said that, I enjoy being taken in hand. I love a very dominant man – one with the strength to maintain power over me.
In past relationships, I've felt the need to back myself down a bit. All the reading I've done has made me feel that if I need to change who I am to attract the kind of guy I want. Because the kind of guy that I want seem to be attracted to the kind of girl that I am not.
Changing for the guy won't get you what you want, it's just another form of diminishing yourself, making yourself invisible, giving in. That's behaving in a beta submissive way. For guys that like a resistant woman, that's nothing but a turn off. To attract the kind of person you want, you have to be yourself, I really believe that. Be more yourself not less, be proud of who you are. Don't back down. Don't sell out.
It has been such a joy and relief for me to find I am not alone in my dichotomy of personality. To be intelligent, aggressive and successful during the day and when I come home to want to release the reins to the big, strong man in my life; to manage my staff better than I, seemingly, manage myself and choose to defer my management to someone who truly has my best interest at heart; to be able to direct a company, but to be unable to pull myself out of the abyss of self recrimination when I make a mistake.
I've spent my life with self help books attempting to "figure out" how and why I tick the way I do, because there seemed to be something wrong with me. I have read so many stories from the women posting on this site, and all I can say is I want what you seemingly have: honesty, passion, intimacy, emotional release and security. I seem to be able to create security for those around me (I was a single parent for several years) but not for myself. I am married again and my heart directed me to this man because he is my compliment, the one who can give me what I need; I just have to do what I know I need to do. To let go of the fear and trust. Easier said than done!
Eric says that changing for the guy diminishes a woman. Well, I would agree if he means changing in the sense of pretending to be something you're not, putting on an act or something like that, but for me that isn't how it's worked. Changing certain aspects of my behaviour that exasperated my husband has led to greater domestic harmony and has made us both happier. I feel that changing has been of benefit to myself, as much if not more than to my husband, and I feel enhanced rather than diminished. It does not have to mean behaving in an idiotic fashion, giggling, or looking up through your lashes (my husband being the kind of man he is, if I did that he'd only ask me if I'd got something in my eye anyway). Sparring can be great fun, but it is possible to have too much of it, especially when it can escalate, as in our case it frequently did, into a full-scale row. Changing just a little bit to accomodate someone else's needs is not really such a terrible thing to do. I don't know that women do think men want obedient women, some men do, some men don't I suppose. It would certainly never have occured to my husband to demand obedience from me, it's something I chose for myself. Sparring's nice, but there comes a time when you want peace, at any rate that's what I want.
I don't know if "resistant" is really the right term. In the thread on high, medium and low dominance women, I discovered I am high domnance according to Maslow but that I don't necessarily want a man to be higher dominance than me. I want someone who is equal. Maybe we will just use spanking for fun, forever. Maybe we'll take each other in hand, someday. Who knows.
What I do know is, I'm not obedient. I'm not submissive. I'm not pastel pink sweety-sweet feminine but I am plenty female. Warning, I have a brain and I know how to use it!
I can be soft and yielding one minute and hard as nails the next. I can flow from Top to bottom and back to Top again in a heartbeat. I've got a sense of humor, a passion for justice, and like Popeye, I yam what I yam, whether anybody likes it or not. I've got high testosterone and while that causes annoying facial hair, it makes me hornier than the average woman!
So Eric, I wish I had a sister just like me, because she'd be happy with you! Meantime, my husband happens to be plenty happy to have me even though I don't knuckle under and do as he says..or else.